Goats Love Water

The Big Break!

The biggest wave in the history of the milk chocolate button...like a giant's jacket slowly being zipped up as the break rolled beautifully from left to right along the length of the blue wall! and BOOM! there was Nube and Wells, the tip or their boards just visable at the waves frothing mouth.

Cameras rolling, the greatest, most famous journalist from Nubes field 'Rob the Wolf' was writing an article for this coming issue of 'three little piggies', with an extra long feature on the fluke 10ft waves that had hit Beach Bay for the last 3 days. Up to this point no one had successfully surfed the whole length, but there had ben 78 concussions and a total of 140 broken bones, including 7 skull fractures. Needless to say it was BRUT...AL!

However, no one had thought of the advantage of having cloven hooves when it came to surfing, but they did now as Wells, his hair peeling away from his gawpish face, soared out from under the wave, dragging a hoof into the wave and spraying Wells in the face as he too protruded from his scary balance from under the lip of the break. The crowd cheered, as the 2 looked like they may both complete the surf in style and swagger!

A relation of Wells

However, trouble was brewing... Nube, being a gingerbread man and all, was starting to suffer the soggy side effects of being exposed to water for too long. Unlike Wells, Nube had suited up and had felt confident taking to the waves with his jelly buttons protected. The extensive challenge was taking longer than he could ever have imagined. His face was beginning to lose structure and his chocolate icing facial expression was one of wilting. He cried out with exhaustion and fright...What if he lost his face, fell off his board and didn't know which way was up, disintergrating slowly in the great expanse?
Well's having heard his cried made a quick emergency telephone call to the nearby rescue teams which had been busy all day collected the broken bodies of the people before them (aside; Wells is NEVER without his phone, one could call him an addict).
'I need the emergency baking spray!'
Within the next minute, a helicopter was flying along side them dangerously close to the pounding wave! A flurry of short high power bursts of cooling egg glaze shot out from a gun turret on the helicopter directly into Nube's face! It wasn't a pretty sight, but Nube managed to maintain his balance and got to the far right side of the bay where the wave finally consumed them inches from the rocky side!
The crowd went wild and Nube attempted to hide his face from the cameras with little success!
A wave so big and grand would not grace the town for another 17 weeks.

Germans and an Addiction to Crumpets

Crumpets are wonderful things, they can retain a vast amount of warm runny butter even though they are essentially made of holes. They can pull people back from the very precipice of suicide with a mere waft of their chewy, spongy yet crispy, sweet yet savoury, freshly toasted smell.
It was this very smell that now filled Nube's small but stylish living room, while Nube watched his favourite series on TV; 'Bakery Tips', which was currently showing how to bake the best gingerbread, with his friend The Opera Meerkat, tucking into a dozen, delicious Cubain Crumpets.
It was one of Opera's last nights as he was soon to move back to his old burrow in Germany. Wells had gone out clubbing on the pull under the influence of his new found drugged up, convict friend from Venezuela.
'Shall I invite the guys round for a game of..'
'NUBE! You've got one of the golden crumpets!!!' Opera had jumped up and screamed at Nube with such excitement that it caused all the neighbouring meerkats to stand up and look at Nubes house.

There on Nube's gigantic plate of hot, buttery goodness was one of the 5 solid gold 'Cubain' crumpets, put into random packets across the globe as a 'ticket' to the 'Mystical Crumpets Are Us' Island.  

'I think a song is in order!

It is a golden tiiiicket,
frooom a cruuuumpet,
lets sound the truuumpets
and let no one niiiick it

Cruuuumpets are great,
they are made behind the gates..
of the myyyystical cruuumpet island
Nube found a ticket,
now thats fate!'

'Yes, well thanks for that Opera.....isn't the special secret opening today?!'
'......LETS GO!'

and so they went. Grabbing Wells from a gay bar he had 'accidentally' walked into, Nube, Opera and Wells jumped on a discarded tandem and cycled to the coast where a giant boat made of crumpets was waiting for them.
The mystical crumpet island was a sight to behold...to describe it would mean putting earthly terms to a godly creation and would therefore be holely (get it?) unacceptable. The 3 of them were joined on the island by 4 other nondescript rouges and their friends and families and the one and only Crumpet Crazy Cricket Cubain! Cubain was sporting a coat made solely from miniature crumpets, held together by butter silk and a solid raspberry jam hat and blew Wells' mind.

They were taken round various crumpets (rooms for those that don't speak crumpet). They discovered that the Yeast room contained large vats of marmite, the secret to the unique blend in Cubain Crumpets. The flour room was a vast white expanse, with 5 adjacent walls of face on crumpets approximately 1 meter apart. Tons of thick flour was pumped out of the ceiling and sucked sideways through all 5 walls of crumpets. The dust of flour that escaped from the other side was then in turn sucked back up through the ceiling as a refined mist of aerated flour ready to be mixed in the mixing room....however, Nube, Opera and Wells never got that far...

Wells, who was still intoxicated from his impromptu night out, was getting peckish, and, faced with 5 walls of  warm toasted crumpets was pushed beyond the limits of goat temptation. He bolted. Nube had no time to think, he grabbed the first thing that came to hand...which happened to be a small meerkat standing next to him called Opera, and lobed him across the room to intercept Wells before it was too late! Alas, Nube was never great at sports, and accidentally threw Opera straight into the heart of the 1st wall! Now, contrary to what you may expect, this did not result in a domino effect of crumpet walls due to the fact that walls of crumpets and butter silk are extremely stretchy and can withstand a huge tensile force. It did, therefore, engulf the surprised Meerkat, and spring back with twice as much force, launching Opera high into the air and shooting off towards Germany....a quick lift back one could say...

However, this chain of somewhat fortunate events did result in both Nube and Wells being escorted off the Island at break neck speed!!

Wells shrugged, 'Well we saw all the main secrets and we have a huge supply of yummy crumpets back home....so really....it was about time to leave anyway. Shame about Opera, but it was his last full day anyway.'
'Yup, guess so. You know, I really fancy tucking into a lovely fresh warm crumpet'......

and so they did.....

A Christmas Carol

How exactly Nube found himself in this shocking state of affairs he would often ask himself in the future and never getting any closer to the answer...most likely due to the fact that it involve a lot of alcohol and drugs and so the memory just plain doesn't exist for him to recall.

The ship swayed in the violent ocean waves and turned Wells a shade of green that can only be imagined for his fur didn't actually allow anyone to see it directly. Both he and Wells were at the helm barking orders like proper  worthy sea dogs.
'We have to reach the north pole and FAST' Nube cried. Time was against them, they only had another 10 hours left to return  Santa to his elves, given the time allowed for him to have a wash, greet loved ones, pack the sleigh, have a cuppa, account for 3 hours sleep to make up for the previous 9 months of torture and slavery, wee and have a quick mince pie. Nube would not allow himself to be held accountable for loss of christmas this year all because of a little sea sicken, a delicate, mutinous crew and a packful of hungry, angry pirate wolves just 10 miles behind.
'They are closin' on us Cap'in!' Shouted Wells above the crashing and hammering of the waves and the cries of the strained sails.
'Here, gimme your leg Wells and I'll jam it in 'ere wheel to hold our course, while I rally ourrrrrrr troops!' Nube yarrrrrred back. So, Wells detached one of his 4 wooden legs (again how this came about is a haze but involved a hack saw, some knitting needles and Red Riding Hood's Dad) and handed it to Nube then followed him (with some instability) to the ships deck.
'RIGHT YOU SCALLIWAGS, THE ENEMY IS HARD ON OUR TAIL. I WANT THE CANNONS AT THE READY AND I WANT YOU TO MAN THIS SHIP LIKE ITS THE LAST THING YOU'LL EVER DO! THERE AIN'T NO GOLD IN SANTA'S BEARD IF YOU AIN'T GOT THE LIFE TO STAND UP AND TAKE IT!'
'Ay Ay Cap'in' they all cried.
Well, that wasn't too hard was it. A bit of a grrr on the speech and they all belived him to be a true Captin, that and the illusion that Santa's beard was magical and Santa could conjure infinite amounts of treasure when treated with kindness, like say rescuing and returning him home. Nube could get used to this life, the adrenaline, the adventure, the sea air......blurrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh......Nube chucked up his lunch all over Wells who was on the wrong side and due to missing a leg couldn't move in time. 'What you all staring at, you good for nothing scoundrels?! Ain't you never seen a gingerbread man hurl from eating too many chocolate coins before?!....It's a battle ritual!'
'oh yeah...' a mubble of agreement went round. Hmm, maybe convincing these giant candle pirates is harder that first appears.

They could hear the howls of the wolves now, hard on their heels, they would have to face and fight if they were to have the advantage!
'Turn 'er about! Lets should these dogs what we've got!'
'YEAAHHHHH'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgGA-hHWxtA

The sails whipped round and the cannons were brought forward and loaded in quick, sure movements of highly practised candlewax men. Explosions errupted and streams of colour filled the sky, the smoke was thick and the noise deafening. When the smoke lifted/knocked about but hurricane winds, it was clear who had won.....the wolves ship was like one massive party popper. Coloured streamers covered the entire rigging. Wolves were suffocating under the weight of the industrial sized, dyed tissue paper. It was a victory for Nube and Wells.
'Well done shipmates, now lets roll, we are out of time!! Com'on, put your backs into it, you lazy fire hazards!' ...Nube secretly loved the power!

The illegal cargo of meat-free cat food was ditched overboard to lighten the ship, extra sails were woven but the giant spider slaves in the hull of the ship and Santa was forced to go the treadmill to lose some of the excess weight! At this speed they might just make it.....
...and they did....but the real problem was getting back with an angry, cheated mob of pirates made of candlewax on their tails!!!.......

Zeppelins Be Dangerous!

The rain poured as all 11 gods were pouring themselves a water at exactly the same time and missing their glasses. Snow lay on the ground, freezing the little hooves of the various ungulate mammals, while the wind tore through the hills and wildness surrounding Nube and Well's farm.

There was also a loud communal groaning sound that was constantly competing with the lashing winds. It seemed to be a mix of someone gnawing on flesh and the dry rasping sound of a dead and decaying voice box crying out for blood....to all intents, constructions and purposes (to quote Henry VIII), this is exactly what it was.....yes.......ZOmBieS

Nube had never fully understood why everyone in the whole universe did not take Zombie invasion procotion more seriously when the problem was so rife on the moon, which in relative terms was rather close. One only had to observe the differing parallax of the moon and say, the Sun to see that! Why, when even the smallest of efforts could prolong your life expectancy 4 fold during a zombie apocalypse did people insist on making a mockery of the situation to which now, lo and behold, had occurred?!

The surrounding village had not taken long to fall. Stone and mud can no more hold a ***t load of zombies than a disarmed, tiny grandpa with osteoarthritis. The screams were still ringing in Nube's ears...or was that his tinnitus?...'Come to think of it, I don't even have ears....strange', thought Nube. The Zombies had arrived in 5 Zeppelins, possibly from Bordeaux or Vienna, Nube was a tad vague on the details, only Wells seemed to know all the facts. Thinking about it Wells seemed to know an awful lot about them, mind you, one did tend to find out a great deal about people when you played squash with them....this being the only activity widely know that you can do with a zombie without it trying to kill you, ad Wells was apt to playing the odd game with anyone willing.

'So, how are we going to get rid of them then? I'm sick of staying on the farm. I have no friends that aren't zombies now. Even Barry, the blacksmith Hare, was taken and he was as prepared for this as us! Our defenses won't last forever, our stocks of odd children's shoes will deplete soon enough.'
Wells looked up from his 4 week old newspaper (luckily that particular weeks sudoku had been particularly challenging), 'Well Nube, it looks like we shall just have to go with plan A..... Open the defenses, lure the zombies into the house using you as bait...lead them into the basement and through the trap door and into the magical zombie holding pen that appeared there earlier today by looking the trapdoor with this mystical padlock and key that the old, wise turkey sold me this morning from the cave of  'How to kill a horde of zombies'  down the creepy ghost riddled lane, this morning'
'Hmm......It all just sounds too easy'
'Yes, well that is probably because you weren't the one going down the creepy ghost riddled lane this morning or bargaining with a turkey for a mystical padlock to a trapdoor that you were sure would be in your basement and therefore didn't know which size to get....'
'Yes, that could be it. Well done Wells and thank you. I shall now step outside and use myself as a scrumptious gingerbread zombie bait to lure 50,000 ravenous zombie animals and farmers into my beloved house'
........and that ladies and gentlemen is what they did. Ridding the kingdom of the perils of zombies until 4 months later when yet another Zeppelin crash landed.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8h1ft0Gqps&feature=related

maybe now you will perpare your dwellings and heed with warning tale......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ejga4kJUts&ob=av2e

Nuked to F***

Nube was a pacifist, however he did enjoy physics, particularly the kind that always seemed to result in the creation of deadly weapons. It wasn't strictly all his fault as he was, after all, friends with Wells, and everyone knows that goats are all inclined towards pyromania. This changes a gingerbread man, and soon he can't decipher where his curiosity ends and Wells' destructive tendencies began.


Let me just set the scene:


It was a cool summer day with not a cloud in a sky. No one would expect the fateful events that were about to unfold.
The cutlery kids, Plop and Flop, were beating their pet tyrannosaurus rex, Glop, in their front garden, as per usual on a blissful Thursday morning. Jack and Jill were fetching yet another pale of water, with their ever lengthening arms, and humming their new number one hit on the Eppendorf Hate Music Channel 
( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3JFwd1bk4Q&ob=av2n ) and the irritating cannibal of the west was chomping on his morning bone....er. 
On the other side of the pond, which had only appeared four days in the future, 'The Wise Fish' Phil and George were aiding Nube in answering a burning question he had been asking himself for the past few days; I wonder what would happen if fission and fusion and jelly fish were combined?
'Weeeeeeell,' bubbled George, 'the only advise I can give you in all my wisdom and glory, is that you combine them yourself and see'


So, the construction of a jellyfish bomb commenced in Nubes back garden and testing all set and ready the following day (Nube was a very efficient and fast worker, always dedicated to his projects, but very infrequently praised or recognised for his efforts). 

Now, far off in her smelly lair U. Epp had got wind of the news about the building of this powerful weapon and immediately felt threatened, jealous and defensive. She must punish this asset to the land at once and quickly assert her authority before he could surpass her and own the kingdom! So, on testing day itself none-the-less, dragon Epp flew straight into the very spot in which Nube had picked out to target his first test. Luckily Nube saw Epp's approach and held off the first deadly trial...however, in his fever of intellectual project, he had failed to inform Wells of any of the goings on.... 



Wells, blissfully unaware of all that was going on around him, began to feel peckish and so begun the long journey to the nearest town shop to buy meringue pie and spaghetti meat balls...again.
But what was this strange wire wrapped around his hooves? and why was he suddenly lurching forward? Could it be that Wells, in a haze of ignorance, tripped over the trigger wire, had 'accidently' knocked the detonator (attached the end of the wire) onto the floor, which in turn pushed in the lever and propelled the nuke from it's launch pad high into the sky in a trajectory towards the bomb testing ground by the wood of hidden hippos? Wells had not heard/listened to the screams of Nube who was safe in his baked bean bomb shelter ....................






VOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM, .......






A mushroom of jellyfish....


blood....


wings......


gurgling cries......


tentacles......


broken, dirty scales....


burning dragon clogs....






the final moments of Dragon Eppendorf.....or at least as a whole.....


It was rumoured years later that Wells may not have been as ignorant to the situation as was first apparent ...

Labyrinth of Mystic JellyBeans

The Labyrinth of Mystic Jelly Beans

Nube had been gardening and had scratched his arm. What he needed was a quick glaze to smooth over the cut. But where was his egg white glaze that he always keeps close?

'MWAHAHAHAHAA' U. Eppendorf cackled! She was extremely happy with herself and the cunning evil plan she had successfully hatched.  Egg white glaze stealing is something the marshmallow mafia does best, and tipped off by the sly dragon as to where Nube kept his stash, it was an easy task.  Then, the letter was sent:

Noob, wHerE is Yor glaZe? iS it in thE lAByRinth oF mystIC jeLLY beans? U. Eppendorf    AnonYmous


Although he knew that the Labyrinth would be hard and perilous from the stories told by the families of those lost to the labyrinth. He also knew this was set up by the evil dragon as a way to kill him without looking like the bad guy. But Nube had to go, it was a matter of honour, no one messes with a gingerbread man's glaze!

Nube travelled the 600km to the entrance of the Labyrinth of Jelly Beans on his cotton tractor which he had borrowed from 'The Wise Fish' Phil and George.

The entrance smelled sweet, as you would expect, but with a hint of feet, the smell of danger. As Nube proceeded into the maze of mystically multicoloured sugar lumps the door behind him locked, the world spun and a voice boomed 'Open the tin can in front of you or wither and die in this room forever, hahaHAHAHA!'
Hmmm, a troublesome task for a gingerbread man with no fingers. 'Ha!' Nube thought, 'It would have defeated say a goat but not a gingerbread man. Of course my baking spatula that I always keep handy in case I ever lose a limb, similar to a boy scout carrying a 10p piece.' Nube managed to stab the tin and lever the lid open. He soon as he did so stars leaped from the can and Nube felt something pull him feet first through the floor into a deep pool of swirling syrup.

'What smells wiffy and eats it's own kind while living a life in liquid? Answer me this and you will be one step closer to your beloved farm!' Nube thought long and hard, drooling with concentration, even consulting his dictionary of 'how to think long and hard about riddles'.
'A fish! Its a fish!'
Suddenly the syrup drained in a whirlpool and shot Nube into a thin corridor. As he walked through towards a door at the far end the ceiling became the floor and the inside became the outside.
Now Nube was, as common sense would suggest, illiterate. This helped a great deal when it came to choosing which bottle to drink from in the test before him. 2 poisons and 1 safe drink:
one clear and sparkly,
one was purple and bubbly
one was in an opaque container with the words 'THIS IS POISON' on it

Loving the funny squiggles on the opaque bottle and with no verbal instructions Nube glugged away, and behold! It wasn't the poison after all but another Labyrinth deceit! Task completed, YAY! Not only this but his glaze appeared on the table in front...

'HAHHAHAHA, you think it's all over now don't you....but let us see if you can get out as easily as you got in!!!'

34 hours later...
by this point the tasks were getting harder and more dangerous...alas, during hand to hand combat with an overgrown walnut with 12 arms, Nube suddenly noticed a bright green sign flashing 'EMERGENCE EXIT, PUSH TO OPEN'  Nube knew this one, Wells had informed him what this sign said during their quick escape from last weeks bank heist. He made a dash and busted through the iron doors, exploding into his own garden with the most inelegant role. Home. Safe. Repaired scratch. Job done.

She Taught Us With A Poem

If Nube and Wells could,
then I'm sure they would,
keep fishies by the sea.

Called George and Phil
content to the gill,
as they swin to a merry tune.

Of plastic bags,
and little old hags,
floating in the wind.

But U* Eppendorf,
has a thing against dwarfs,
so won't allow the dangerous move.

To the coast,
where they boast,
has the highest small population.

So alas, my friends,
unless time does bend,
Nube and Wells shall have to stay put.