Germans and an Addiction to Crumpets

Crumpets are wonderful things, they can retain a vast amount of warm runny butter even though they are essentially made of holes. They can pull people back from the very precipice of suicide with a mere waft of their chewy, spongy yet crispy, sweet yet savoury, freshly toasted smell.
It was this very smell that now filled Nube's small but stylish living room, while Nube watched his favourite series on TV; 'Bakery Tips', which was currently showing how to bake the best gingerbread, with his friend The Opera Meerkat, tucking into a dozen, delicious Cubain Crumpets.
It was one of Opera's last nights as he was soon to move back to his old burrow in Germany. Wells had gone out clubbing on the pull under the influence of his new found drugged up, convict friend from Venezuela.
'Shall I invite the guys round for a game of..'
'NUBE! You've got one of the golden crumpets!!!' Opera had jumped up and screamed at Nube with such excitement that it caused all the neighbouring meerkats to stand up and look at Nubes house.

There on Nube's gigantic plate of hot, buttery goodness was one of the 5 solid gold 'Cubain' crumpets, put into random packets across the globe as a 'ticket' to the 'Mystical Crumpets Are Us' Island.  

'I think a song is in order!

It is a golden tiiiicket,
frooom a cruuuumpet,
lets sound the truuumpets
and let no one niiiick it

Cruuuumpets are great,
they are made behind the gates..
of the myyyystical cruuumpet island
Nube found a ticket,
now thats fate!'

'Yes, well thanks for that Opera.....isn't the special secret opening today?!'
'......LETS GO!'

and so they went. Grabbing Wells from a gay bar he had 'accidentally' walked into, Nube, Opera and Wells jumped on a discarded tandem and cycled to the coast where a giant boat made of crumpets was waiting for them.
The mystical crumpet island was a sight to behold...to describe it would mean putting earthly terms to a godly creation and would therefore be holely (get it?) unacceptable. The 3 of them were joined on the island by 4 other nondescript rouges and their friends and families and the one and only Crumpet Crazy Cricket Cubain! Cubain was sporting a coat made solely from miniature crumpets, held together by butter silk and a solid raspberry jam hat and blew Wells' mind.

They were taken round various crumpets (rooms for those that don't speak crumpet). They discovered that the Yeast room contained large vats of marmite, the secret to the unique blend in Cubain Crumpets. The flour room was a vast white expanse, with 5 adjacent walls of face on crumpets approximately 1 meter apart. Tons of thick flour was pumped out of the ceiling and sucked sideways through all 5 walls of crumpets. The dust of flour that escaped from the other side was then in turn sucked back up through the ceiling as a refined mist of aerated flour ready to be mixed in the mixing room....however, Nube, Opera and Wells never got that far...

Wells, who was still intoxicated from his impromptu night out, was getting peckish, and, faced with 5 walls of  warm toasted crumpets was pushed beyond the limits of goat temptation. He bolted. Nube had no time to think, he grabbed the first thing that came to hand...which happened to be a small meerkat standing next to him called Opera, and lobed him across the room to intercept Wells before it was too late! Alas, Nube was never great at sports, and accidentally threw Opera straight into the heart of the 1st wall! Now, contrary to what you may expect, this did not result in a domino effect of crumpet walls due to the fact that walls of crumpets and butter silk are extremely stretchy and can withstand a huge tensile force. It did, therefore, engulf the surprised Meerkat, and spring back with twice as much force, launching Opera high into the air and shooting off towards Germany....a quick lift back one could say...

However, this chain of somewhat fortunate events did result in both Nube and Wells being escorted off the Island at break neck speed!!

Wells shrugged, 'Well we saw all the main secrets and we have a huge supply of yummy crumpets back home....so really....it was about time to leave anyway. Shame about Opera, but it was his last full day anyway.'
'Yup, guess so. You know, I really fancy tucking into a lovely fresh warm crumpet'......

and so they did.....

A Christmas Carol

How exactly Nube found himself in this shocking state of affairs he would often ask himself in the future and never getting any closer to the answer...most likely due to the fact that it involve a lot of alcohol and drugs and so the memory just plain doesn't exist for him to recall.

The ship swayed in the violent ocean waves and turned Wells a shade of green that can only be imagined for his fur didn't actually allow anyone to see it directly. Both he and Wells were at the helm barking orders like proper  worthy sea dogs.
'We have to reach the north pole and FAST' Nube cried. Time was against them, they only had another 10 hours left to return  Santa to his elves, given the time allowed for him to have a wash, greet loved ones, pack the sleigh, have a cuppa, account for 3 hours sleep to make up for the previous 9 months of torture and slavery, wee and have a quick mince pie. Nube would not allow himself to be held accountable for loss of christmas this year all because of a little sea sicken, a delicate, mutinous crew and a packful of hungry, angry pirate wolves just 10 miles behind.
'They are closin' on us Cap'in!' Shouted Wells above the crashing and hammering of the waves and the cries of the strained sails.
'Here, gimme your leg Wells and I'll jam it in 'ere wheel to hold our course, while I rally ourrrrrrr troops!' Nube yarrrrrred back. So, Wells detached one of his 4 wooden legs (again how this came about is a haze but involved a hack saw, some knitting needles and Red Riding Hood's Dad) and handed it to Nube then followed him (with some instability) to the ships deck.
'RIGHT YOU SCALLIWAGS, THE ENEMY IS HARD ON OUR TAIL. I WANT THE CANNONS AT THE READY AND I WANT YOU TO MAN THIS SHIP LIKE ITS THE LAST THING YOU'LL EVER DO! THERE AIN'T NO GOLD IN SANTA'S BEARD IF YOU AIN'T GOT THE LIFE TO STAND UP AND TAKE IT!'
'Ay Ay Cap'in' they all cried.
Well, that wasn't too hard was it. A bit of a grrr on the speech and they all belived him to be a true Captin, that and the illusion that Santa's beard was magical and Santa could conjure infinite amounts of treasure when treated with kindness, like say rescuing and returning him home. Nube could get used to this life, the adrenaline, the adventure, the sea air......blurrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh......Nube chucked up his lunch all over Wells who was on the wrong side and due to missing a leg couldn't move in time. 'What you all staring at, you good for nothing scoundrels?! Ain't you never seen a gingerbread man hurl from eating too many chocolate coins before?!....It's a battle ritual!'
'oh yeah...' a mubble of agreement went round. Hmm, maybe convincing these giant candle pirates is harder that first appears.

They could hear the howls of the wolves now, hard on their heels, they would have to face and fight if they were to have the advantage!
'Turn 'er about! Lets should these dogs what we've got!'
'YEAAHHHHH'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgGA-hHWxtA

The sails whipped round and the cannons were brought forward and loaded in quick, sure movements of highly practised candlewax men. Explosions errupted and streams of colour filled the sky, the smoke was thick and the noise deafening. When the smoke lifted/knocked about but hurricane winds, it was clear who had won.....the wolves ship was like one massive party popper. Coloured streamers covered the entire rigging. Wolves were suffocating under the weight of the industrial sized, dyed tissue paper. It was a victory for Nube and Wells.
'Well done shipmates, now lets roll, we are out of time!! Com'on, put your backs into it, you lazy fire hazards!' ...Nube secretly loved the power!

The illegal cargo of meat-free cat food was ditched overboard to lighten the ship, extra sails were woven but the giant spider slaves in the hull of the ship and Santa was forced to go the treadmill to lose some of the excess weight! At this speed they might just make it.....
...and they did....but the real problem was getting back with an angry, cheated mob of pirates made of candlewax on their tails!!!.......